Too Much "Good Job!" May be Harmful

While researching for my teacher attrition book (now thankfully off my desk for the time being!), I came across this article by Alfie Kohn. I could almost hear my voice, ringing with "good job!" to my daughters, as I read it.

It discusses how too much praise can actually harm our children, and do the opposite of what we intend. The value and judgement in saying "good job" repeatedly apparently raises kids who are more likely to seek out approval for everything, and not do something good for the sake of doing it, or for the benefit of someone else's feelings. We end up raising kids who constantly look for external forms of approval.

Yikes! I've been saying good job for a long, long time. Like when my first daughter learned to clap, and roll over, to now, when she forms a letter. He suggests what to do instead, which are not value statements, but ways to connect with and notice successes.

Here are a few of his suggestions, but I really encourage you to read the whole article, it is quite eye opening.

"* Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary.

* Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing.

* Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect."

I know I will be purchasing his book, Unconditional Parenting which also questions the use of time out (immediately I then think, what will we do??). What do you readers think of praise? Do you dole out "good jobs" like snacks to a toddler (like me)?